On shrinks and friends

Last month I saw a post on Instagram from someone I know who was complaining that their therapist, instead of listening and agreeing with everything they said, dared to suggest a solution to their problem.

What they were complaining about was that a professional who is paid to, if not solve, then at least manage the psychological (not psychiatric, which is different) problems of their patients, was actually trying to help instead of playing along.

One issue I think is at stake here is that many people have come to see their therapist as a friend to whom they can vent in times of need. But you don’t pay a friend. You talk to them and then you listen to them. It’s a two-way relationship based on effort on both sides.
Everyone carries some weight, and it’s not always easy to take on the burden of someone else’s life. But you do it because you care about them, and deep down you hope they care about you.

I do not trust people who have hundreds of friends. I have no more than five, which is quite a lot.
And then a tons of acquaintances.
Some of them are very good people, and I wish I had more time and energy to spend with them, but both are finite resources that I often find myself running out of. Other times I end up prioritising my family and close friends. But you can’t possibly have hundreds of deep relationships, something has to give, and that something is meaning. Sure, chatting is easy and fun, but who are you going to talk to about the deep fear that keeps you awake at night, or the depressing story of a failed relationship?

Hundreds of people and no one who really cares. People are selfish. Sure, someone might feel sorry for you and listen to you for a while. After all, the first form of trade was not barter, but gifts.
But in the long run, if you have nothing to offer, you will be offered nothing.

Wait a minute, you have something to offer, money! Enter the therapist, a commodified friend for an evening, at the right price.
Does that remind you of anything?
Love and friendship are both based on mutual effort at their core, even if it’s just the effort of connecting and showing interest in each other.

There was a time when I really needed someone to be there for me, sometimes just to listen, sometimes to give me an opinion based on a less biased reality.
And those friends (my girlfriend too to be fair, love you Anna) rose to the call and put in a whole lot of work and a whole lot of patience to make me feel better.
There was a time when I had to be there for them and put in a lot of work and a lot of patience to make them feel better.
It doesn’t matter if it was a walk along the riverbed talking about a loss, or people on a couch incredibly drunk and crying from laughing at the horrors of life.

What matters is that there were people supporting each other because they cared.